Rewind: 17 years of progress

for the past 17 years or so I have had so much resistance to the goals I have set out for myself and I am not where I thought I would see myself within that timespand. And that being said my dream job wasn't even close to the glamorous come up or happy ending that I imagined it would be 20 years later, and that the entertainment industry is just that competitive in and outside of the art communities that they sit at. the acclimation that I envisioned in my 20's and 30's is much less attainable and even outlandish as a realistic goal, and that the glitz and glamor that are sold to aspiring creatives doesn't come close to the perks of having a life you can be proud of, let alone content with. the people you surround yourself with really come down to the memories that you are wiling to expose yourself to, and maintaining control is realistic in a place where an exaggeration can make you king. the opposing school of thought is that we are attracted to the opulence and outlandish expectations of the rise and the rush that comes with doing less but I have found that the more there is to expose yourself to, the tough you become and the more well-rounded the art you become apart of ends up becoming. Your expectation of comfort of those that you may rely on becomes the brick wall reality that you would actually come to expect when it comes to leniency in what people actually want to do with you if and once they aid in any footing you may anticipate, and that the idea of fame is only temporary as a lapse in the flash in the pan that you may preemptively anticipate.

I've noticed a lot of holes in the support and trust that I have handed down to the people I have attempted to aid in support to the top and it makes as much sense in how much the pictures of promise I have attempted to paint people has realistically ended them up in a lack luster of imagination or places of stagnation. but in reality as long as I help people in the business it makes as much sense that they would eventually see the entertainment world for what it is, for what it was, and a translation in what is actually visible.

I have been let down by some of the most able people in measuring out, and applying any music making or art that I have been attempting to moonlight outwards toward making a aspiration into a reality and its clear that I still am the one in control of those goals in my life and making sure they arrive to the party at all. its making me feel things that I glazed over and maybe didn't fully forgive myself for missing out on said opportunities within and outside of the art and music communities.

I am glad that I didn't turn something I love into work I hate and surround myself with a ton of people that are secretly jealous of my success. I guess that is one of the hallmarks of knowing that you have made it as an artist is people actually taking notice of the quality that you have to offer and them attempting to snuff out your flame. be it modeling, drawing, music, acting, film or photography, the business side is always a huge weight in resistance against the overall freedom of creativity any creative would expect, and thats one of the greatest gifts one artist can give to any aspiring artist or creative. let's face it, healing hurts, and when your parade gets rained upon its only more consistent of a reminder of the longevity of expectations that come with following your dreams through to progress. and its simple, which is why in my opinion is always easier to walk away from shining moments and opportunities in trade for a grounded foundational and functional life.

That being said, I do expect my acclimation with The Pervert Murderer to aid in ascension towards the initial trajectory 18 year old me anticipated and only adding to the enjoyment of my personal life in filling in the holes where I expected people to be, over waiting for anyone to actually show up. after all, we are born alone and die alone so might as well live it up all the same.